self-obsession

Narcissistic Prick, Navel-gazey at best, Bit of an arrogant dick, Self-involved. These are a few of the self-deprecating half-truths I often use to describe myself. In an effort to what, I’m not quite sure of.

         It’s no secret that I love to be the centre of attention. And along with that comes a common assumption from those who do not know me or are getting to know me that I am a Dorian Gray protégé. This is obviously hyperbole, but it does convey my assumptions about my assumers’ assumptions. Because it is crucial to remember that when you make an assumption about someone you barely know you are unlikely to be able to fully convey that assumption and even if you do, the victim of your assumption will assume you are watering yourself down. Okay, calm down. This isn’t about assumption, it’s about obsession.

         And so, the centre of attention. I often end up there, choose to be there, am forced there, force myself there. Either way, in social settings I like being in control. Or at least, appearing and/or feeling as if I am. And I, just like most others assume that is because of my own self-obsession. Why feel like you deserve your space in the centre, if not for your own narcissism or arrogance. But in the past couple of days I realised that while this may have been the birth of my place in the centre, that doesn’t mean it is still the case? For example, what is going on when one is always the centre of attention in a social setting but then goes through a period of low/er self-esteem or lower confidence and remains firmly in the centre?

         Specific examples of social status quo are powerful, natural-feeling forces often unfathomably lodged into the way we communicate with one another. What if the person at the centre of a social space pulls back? The dynamic changes. Some people might fill up that space, some will maybe contribute less, perhaps no one does anything and you are left with a void. No matter what happens there is a great, uncomfortable, though not necessarily negative, change occurring that many will struggle to deal with.

         This is all to say that your place in the fabric of the social spaces you find yourself in does not hinge completely on your self-image. It hinges on history and precedent as well.

         I think about this all often, perhaps further proving my own self-obsession, but what led me to this line of thinking was finding myself in a new social space where I was not in control, socially central, or influential and was deeply uncomfortable. Although not unhappy. This was not something I found myself upset with. There was absolutely no reason for me to be socially central in this space. But it was a significant adjustment. I have become comfortable in my usual social spaces where I tend to take up space. To find yourself in a brand new social space that has subverted your precedent, it brings on brand new questions about your self, self-worth, and place in the world.

         Good, bad, neither, it’s scary and jarring, but utterly rewarding.